From "Duck, Duck, Goose," to "Musical Chairs," and Beyond

I miss “herd outings.”  Those pre-adolescent, raging hormone-free occasions in my young life when guys and girls hung out, watched or played sports together, mixed in playground games like Gutter and kickball, threw water balloons at each other at school picnics, joked around.  Yeah, we had our crushes.  But feelings were a tad more benign, playful, democratic.  The herd reigned. 

This was the period I dub the “Duck, Duck, Goose” days.

Eventually, inevitably, everything changed.  For me, it began in the 7^th grade. Being the late bloomer that I ultimately was, I felt like a deer in the headlights as two by two, I watched friends and classmates “hook up.”  Choices were made in rapid fashion.  Hands were held.

This was the beginning of the time I refer to as “Musical Chairs.”  And back then, like so many, I felt like one of those left standing without a chair.  Then again -- looking back on that whole scene now -- standing had its perks.

Of course, coupling, as we all know, fits the ticket for so many things a lot of us want that make life interesting and worthwhile:  Sex, children, family, intimacy, companionship, growth, etc.  Yet now that I am a tad north of the age of 50, I’ve been thinking a lot about how the prevailing pairing paradigm could use a bit of tweaking in these “second act” years, in these social media-driven times.  Let’s face it:  Before and after kids are grown – and under lots of other circumstances – relationships change.  People change.  They change in different ways and often come to want different things from life and/or from partnership.  Some people slow down, others speed up.  Our lives’ GPS's recalculate. 

The thing is, it’s all good.

Yet from where I sit (and it’s not in one of those musical chairs), our culture does not allow for graceful transition when it comes to relationship.  Instead, it holds steadfastly to a very limited view of coupledom that engenders fear, guilt, victimhood, jealousy, loss, apathy, judgment, rigid role-playing, and even loneliness.  In my Pollyanna world, I’d like to think that every individual as he or she matures through life has the right to engage in joyful and meaningful social connection without stigma.  I am not espousing careless philandering, intentional harm, or betrayal.  But what I am suggesting is that perhaps there is a latent yet strong desire within many mature adults to engage in more fluid social play.  Believe you me, I understand and empathize with that desire for “the right one.”  But isn’t it possible that this desire is heavily influenced by a myth perpetrated and perpetuated by cumbersome religious values that are, in fact, not “one size fits all”?  Big words, I know.  Bottom line?  Maybe it really is about loving the one you’re with, as Stephen Stills so melodically chimed back in the early ‘70s.

I don’t quite know how it all could look, but I definitely know how when I have thought something like, “Wouldn’t it be nice to play tennis with So-and-So” – So-and-So being a tennis-playing man in a relationship with another woman – I would immediately shut the idea down because of the social stigma of its appearance.  Or because I felt guilty about feelings I did harbor.  Our Puritan-infused sexual mores are laden with guilt, secrecy, and taboo which engenders attendant human behavior and reaction.

What’s missing, you ask?  Transparency, honesty, clear communication, a claim of personal responsibility, ritual that honors and acknowledges such social transition, and the promotion of choice as a value.  Just sayin’.