The Moon Also Rises; Our Bodies, Our Cells; Mind Games

In 1987 when I was 25, I wrote a poem I titled “Centrifuge.”

                                                The centrifuge of modern day

                                                Has stirred and separated

                                                Woman.

                                                The force has thrust her apart,

                                                Leaving the feminine

                                                Dispensable and obsolete.

                                                It is time to be still,

                                                To gather together

                                                That which has been

                                                Flung aside.

                                                Without stillness,

                                                We cannot be whole.

                                                Without wholeness,

                                                We are doomed.

At the time, I thought I was the only one in the world reflecting (albeit rudimentarily) on the theme of feminine denigration and the need for its restoration in our world.

But almost 30 years later, it is abundantly clear that a very large human cohort of Mother Earth has been very much aware of this theme for a long while, and in the West, it is now being expressed in conversations, spiritual practices, books, literature, workshops, art, rituals, film, and through many other venues.

In addition to the repeated affirmation I have witnessed calling for the restoration of balance and integration of the masculine and feminine aspects in our lives and in our world in order to attain wholeness, I have been personally reflecting for a long while on the myriad ways that feminine marginalization has affected our world, our lives, and -- I have learned recently -- our bodies and health.

To begin, what is “the feminine”?  To me, the feminine is a conscious energy; an essence.  It is not “a woman,” just as the masculine is not “a man.”  All of nature, all humans -- men and women -- embody masculine and feminine essences in varying degrees.  Arguably, a woman is comprised of a preponderance of feminine, while a man of masculine.  But even that statement is fraught with potential inaccuracy.  But thank you for bearing with me for the sake of furthering my discussion.

“The feminine” is the world of the moon and shadow, cycles, nurturance, intuition, feeling, creativity, cooperation, flow, art, music, and more.  You get the idea.  The right side of our brain, it can be argued, is the domain of the feminine. And because the feminine is an essence of giving, to replenish, it must receive.

The following is a modest sampling (though significant) of the areas in our lives and world where the feminine has been dormant and suppressed and is pushing to rise once again.

1.      Economics – Capitalism is an economic system fashioned in a masculine, patriarchal paradigm that values hierarchy and personal profit.  Competition is idolized.  Cooperation is antithetical.  Yet cooperation, a feminine aspect, is critically essential if a society values social and humanitarian well-being.  A healthy society requires a hybrid of economic “essences” rooted in BOTH masculine and feminine for our world to have a hope of coming into economic/social balance and equilibrium.  Moreover, the marginalization of women in the modern workplace up until about 40 to 50 years ago is a fractal reflection of the exclusive force of capitalism.  As more women have achieved positions of influence in business and politics in recent years, it is my hope that feminine values will also gain a footing. Yet this is by no means guaranteed (or perhaps even possible) without a paradigmatic shift of the economic “end game.”

2.     Politics – Social and political parity of men and women addresses concrete issues of governance and legal rights.  Another issue entirely is the full engagement and integration of the feminine aspect of consensus-building and cooperation into the political realm, something we haven’t seen much of lately.

3.     Spirituality – Religion is a political structure, by and large, and is the domain of the masculine, with patriarchal prejudices and overtones.  We are now seeing a resurgence and renaissance of direct and personal spiritual experience and reflection, a realm of the feminine.

4.     Health – I have been fascinated in recent years by writings that correlate certain illness and disease with malfunction of feminine cellular function (i.e., the mitochondria).  In the 2011 book “Power Up Your Brain” by David Perlmutter, M.D. and Alberto Villoldo, Ph.D., the following took my breath away:  “Our mitochondria is inherited only from our mother’s lineage.  Here was the source, inside each cell of every living creature, of the feminine life force that sages speak about…these energy factories seemed to be breaking down under the continual barrage of stress in our fast-paced lives and from biochemical toxins including mercury, pesticides, and water and air pollution…ancient shamanic practices, including prayer, fasting, and meditation as well as dietary supplementation with special herbs, help restore mitochondrial function,” a function of feminine life force.  Literature has also suggested the need to engage both hemispheres of our brain (right-sided/feminine and left-sided/masculine) to achieve balance and health in our lives, our bodies, and our spirit.  So EQUAL parts working and playing, reasoning and wondering, writing and painting, running and dancing (or reasonable facsimiles thereof that resonate for every individual).  A world of balance (and therefore health) calls for an integrated feminine/masculine engagement of our minds and bodies.

  Personally, I have consciously aspired for the past 25 years or so to engage more fully with my feminine essence, which I had felt significantly out of touch with in the first half of my life.  This has been challenging in a mainstream world that  values achievement in masculine terms and objectifies the feminine.  Yet after much personal reflection, conscious lifestyle choices, determination, and energetic therapy, I finally feel healthfully integrated as a feminine/masculine vessel.  Yet this balance requires practice and conscious, constant vigilance, a never-ending dance.  And I LOVE to dance.

New Winds Blowing; Cognitive Resonance; Deferred Maintenance

Early in 2007 while at Harbin Hot Springs in Middletown, CA for a weekend, I was drawn to yet another of the amenities that Harbin offers in addition to its waters:  An intimate movie screening room with large pillows for seating.  The title of one of the films being shown that evening caught my eye:  A 30-minute film entitled “Healing the Light Body.”  I was intrigued.

The simple film featured a very engaging and eloquent description by Alberto Villoldo, Ph. D., of what is referred to as the “light body” or energy body that surrounds the human body and the seminal role it plays with regard to trauma, illness, and disease.  Moreover, the discussion of the light body and the chakra system also encompassed an introduction to shamanism, the world which mediates between the spirit realm and the physical.  I was not only completely fascinated by what I saw and heard, but the message of the movie hit my gut with such cognitive resonance, that I knew in that moment my life would turn in a different direction.

I know that there are millions of people before me in this world who have long known of the energy body and the shamanic world.  But this was my “a-ha” moment.  Apparently this student was ready when this teaching appeared.

The ending credits of the movie featured information about books by Alberto Villoldo, as well as information about The Four Winds Society.  Days later I purchased Villoldo’s book “Shaman, Healer, Sage,” a fascinating and engaging account of Villoldo’s travels and training with the Inka shamans in the ways of energy medicine and techniques for healing with spirit and light.

There are many gateways and paths into the world of energy medicine.  Villoldo’s film and book just happened to be mine.

Finishing my read of “Shaman, Healer, Sage” only stoked my curiosity and resolve to learn more and to be the beneficiary of such healing.  I found a Four Winds practitioner of “Healing the Light Body” work in Sebastopol, CA and attended several sessions with him.  It was just the beginning of my healing journey along the path of energy medicine.

In November 2007, I attended my first of what would be six weeklong workshops with the Four Winds Society over the next two years.  “Healing the Light Body” work engaged me in rituals, initiations, and healing techniques with a community of interesting and amazing people, all with their own life stories and aspirations for healing and being of service to others.

I found the Four Winds processes transformative.  They catalyzed my release from oppressive paradigms and limiting belief systems that I held in my mind and my body, but that were not of my own choosing.  My Four Winds experience was a convergence of energy, quantum reality, and spirit, held in the sacred vessel of Inka shamanism.  It was also a springboard to further exploration of and inquiry into a vast array of energetic healing modalities, as well as the beauty and power of indigenous cultures which are more directly connected to spirit and nature without the mediation of “religion” and its attendant human obstruction and distortion.  I now move through this world with a vastly greater consciousness of my free will and a deeper awareness of the power and consequence of my choices.  Moreover, I embrace my connection to the natural world – the world of animals, plants, and the cosmos – in unprecedented fashion.

This journey, while empowering and expansive, has also been challenging.  Relationships have changed, and sometimes ended.  Yet new relationships have also begun and been made possible through this work.  When I feel negative emotions, they are now a call to look inward, as opposed to laying blame with someone or something else.

One of the most significant realizations I have come to is that in the West, when it comes to energetic health, there exists an untold reality of what I term “deferred maintenance.”  While some would argue in support of the redemptive value of religion, I have come to my own perception that the paradigm of duality (the basis of most religion, if not all) is fundamentally disempowering; suppressing and aborting the widespread practice of effective energetic healing modalities for hundreds, perhaps thousands of years in Western/Judeo-Christian culture.  The level of energetic toxicity, blockage, and imbalance has reached untenable heights, as reflected in our bodies and in our world.

Thankfully, this tide is now turning.  Particularly over the past 30 years and crescendoeing now, the West is embracing the treasures of indigenous and mystic wisdom that had previously been kept hidden and almost destroyed.  

These are big statements, I know.  But hey, this is my blog.  And welcome to it.

There Will Be Blood; Death Spiral

In late summer of 2004 at the age of 75, my father Al was diagnosed with a blood disorder of idiopathic origins.  He had been feeling chronically tired for several months, and when the test results came back, they revealed that his red blood cell production was significantly below normal.  It wasn’t cancer, it really wasn’t anything “present.”  It was, starkly and simply, a near absence of function.

In addition to the many questions and feelings that this news elicited, it dawned on me that my father’s Italian mother and sister had both had issues with blood, as they both had been anemic during their lives.  My father’s mysterious diagnosis prompted a reflection on my part that encompassed questions around genetics, correlation between illness and personality (my father had always been a bit of a hypochondriac), and, inevitably, mortality and death.

Being the life student/seeker that I aspire to be, I resolved to explore “death.”  I really hadn’t contemplated death in any real way thus far in my life, and my father’s illness felt like an initiation of sorts.  It announced to me not just the reality of my father’s mortality, but mine as well, as I occupied middle age at this point.

While the news was deeply concerning, it was also a call to vigilance, as I knew deep down that this was going to be a long and difficult journey for my father and his family, most particularly my mother JoAnne.

Western medicine threw everything it had at my father (he had health insurance over and above Medicare).  The list of drugs my father was prescribed for his condition, as well as for medication side effects, is pretty staggering:  Imuran, Prednisone, Levoxyl, Lisinopril, Aciphex, hydrochlorothiazide, Azathioprine, Phenytoin Sodium, Propanolol, Spironolactone, Furosemide, Levothyroxine, and probably more.  The reason I know the names of these particular meds is because my father journaled his medical condition meticulously over the duration:  Medications, dosages, when taken, medical procedures, bone marrow tests, blood counts and measurements of all kinds.  Pages and pages and pages.

In addition to, and in spite of all the medications, sometime soon after his diagnosis, the blood transfusions began, the sessions of which would last anywhere from three to five hours.  Apparently, receiving blood is a much slower process than giving blood.  At first, the transfusions were monthly, then twice monthly, until ultimately, in the last year or so, they were pretty much weekly, sometimes twice a week.

Through it all stood my mother.  She drove my father to all of his appointments and, as his wife, witnessed everything.

I was living across the Bay in Oakland, CA at the time, having moved there in January of 2005. Ostensibly, I thought I moved to Oakland to live with a boyfriend. In hindsight, however, it was also a safe distance from which to “keep vigil.”

Vigilance is a state of simultaneous observation, witnessing, suspension, and disruption.  The most painful part of my vigil was watching my father (and mother) endure a prolonged (though contained) state of fear and anguish.  It was brutal.  I feel for all those who endure or have endured long dark nights of painful vigilance.

My father’s ravaged body finally succumbed to the illness at his home on June 23^rd, 2009, five days after he had collapsed at the doctor’s office where he had been to receive yet another transfusion.  Present at the time of his death were, most thankfully, a Hospice nurse and his immediate family (my mother, my two brothers, and myself). 

Minutes after he stopped breathing, I went into the bedroom that I occupied as a child and performed a ritual called The Death Spiral that I had learned just six months previously at a shamanic workshop of the Four Winds Society.  It is a beautiful and solemn ritual whereby the spirit of the deceased is released from the body and sent on its way.  I even had my notes from the workshop with me for referral.  I feel in my heart that I was successful in aiding my father’s spirit journey.  I felt he was at peace and happy for the first time in so long, and perhaps for the first time since I had known him.

Three months later, I moved out from my boyfriend’s apartment and into my own.

In the time since my father’s passing, this seeker has gleaned a few lessons.  First, we must acknowledge and honor the reality of our interconnectedness in order to healthfully and lovingly attenuate its influence over our identity and our choices.  And second, fear, particularly fear of death, robs our lives and robs us of life.  While I wish my father could have lived with more peace while he was alive despite his illness, I am so much richer for having kept vigil.