I miss “herd
outings.” Those pre-adolescent, raging hormone-free
occasions in my young life when guys and girls hung out, watched or played
sports together, mixed in playground games like Gutter and kickball, threw
water balloons at each other at school picnics, joked around. Yeah, we had our crushes. But feelings were a tad more benign, playful,
democratic. The herd reigned.
This was the
period I dub the “Duck, Duck, Goose” days.
Eventually, inevitably,
everything changed. For me, it began in
the 7th grade. Being the late bloomer that I ultimately was, I felt
like a deer in the headlights as two by two, I watched friends and classmates “hook up.” Choices were made in rapid
fashion. Hands were held.
This was the
beginning of the time I refer to as “Musical Chairs.” And back then, like so many, I felt like one
of those left standing without a chair.
Then again -- looking back on that whole scene now -- standing had its
perks.
Of course,
coupling, as we all know, fits the ticket for so many things a lot of us want
that make life interesting and worthwhile:
Sex, children, family, intimacy, companionship, growth, etc. Yet now that I am a tad north of the age of 50,
I’ve been thinking a lot about how the prevailing pairing paradigm could use a
bit of tweaking in these “second act” years, in these social media-driven
times. Let’s face it: Before and after kids are grown – and under
lots of other circumstances – relationships change. People change. They change in different ways and often come
to want different things from life and/or from partnership. Some people slow down, others speed up. Our lives’ GPS's recalculate.
The thing
is, it’s all good.
Yet from where
I sit (and it’s not in one of those musical chairs), our culture does not allow
for graceful transition when it comes to relationship. Instead, it holds steadfastly to a very
limited view of coupledom that engenders fear, guilt, victimhood, jealousy,
loss, apathy, judgment, rigid role-playing, and even loneliness. In my Pollyanna world, I’d like to think that
every individual as he or she matures through life has the right to engage in
joyful and meaningful social connection without stigma. I am not espousing careless philandering, intentional
harm, or betrayal. But what I am
suggesting is that perhaps there is a latent yet strong desire within many mature
adults to engage in more fluid social play.
Believe you me, I understand and empathize with that desire for “the
right one.” But isn’t it possible that
this desire is heavily influenced by a myth perpetrated and perpetuated by
cumbersome religious values that are, in fact, not “one size fits all”? Big words, I know. Bottom line?
Maybe it really is about loving the one you’re with, as Stephen Stills
so melodically chimed back in the early ‘70s.
I don’t
quite know how it all could look, but I definitely know how when I have thought
something like, “Wouldn’t it be nice to play tennis with So-and-So” – So-and-So
being a tennis-playing man in a relationship with another woman – I would
immediately shut the idea down because of the social stigma of its
appearance. Or because I felt guilty
about feelings I did harbor. Our
Puritan-infused sexual mores are laden with guilt, secrecy, and taboo which
engenders attendant human behavior and reaction.
What’s
missing, you ask? Transparency, honesty,
clear communication, a claim of personal responsibility, ritual that honors and
acknowledges such social transition, and the promotion of choice as a
value. Just sayin’.
